the light at the end of the tunnel

So I've been gone a while, and to tell the truth of why... well I've never publicly put this out there so here it goes, blogworld:

After Christmas, I hit a rough patch. I had my thesis proposal looming ahead of me (just this past April 1st), and was terrified. I've never done a project that big, nor written that much... and I hate... HATE writing (except blogs of course). My proposal involved me giving a presentation at a colloquium in front of 30+ people or so. People I knew, people I didn't know, linguistics grad students, computer science grad students, professors, my advisors, and random people who saw a flyer and decided to come. It was a public colloquium and counted as part of my thesis proposal/defense. I had to program a game (of which I'm doing my thesis on) up to a point where it was presentable enough to show in public, and let others play. I had to develop a powerpoint and a speech that would take up about 40 minutes, longer than I've ever spoken in front of a crowd. Maybe to some people, that's a breeze, but for me it was lots of pressure. Lots of pressure, I tell you!

So beginning in January, this sent me into an anxiety battle. Anyone who knows me knows I deal with anxiety. And this was just another one of those times. Panic attacks, general day to day anxiety, trouble eating, etc. However, this time I faced up to it, sought extra help, was proactive, and I like to think victorious. So.. self.. here is my letter to you next time you face this (and anyone else out there who faces similar situations...)

"After several months of intense stress and inevitably intense anxiety, I am finally coming back to normal. While I could do nothing but cope with the anxiety during the past several months, I now realize what I had only hoped for in the past. I’m back. After the stress passes, I feel better. I was nervous I would stay this way, that somehow the stress affected me for good and there was no going back. But there’s always going back. I’m back again now. Just like I’ve come back before. And this time, I faced it head on. I looked at it in the face, dealt with it, didn’t run away from it or cower down in the presence of it. I worshipped in the really rough times, and getting my mind of myself for those few sweet moments were the happiest times of all. I dealt with it and now I have sweet relief from it. Classes are almost over, the scariest part of my thesis behind me, my crazy schedule of living in two places will be behind me in about three weeks. Now all I see is a settled life ahead with Mark, Remi, and who knows how many little ones to come in the future. Daily routines and traditions that will keep me grounded, working normal hours again, free time with the family, and always- always- worship to keep my mind and heart in the right place. God you truly use these times for your glory- and in spite of how it feels during the toughest times, I thank you for my experiences. So [insert your name here], when you read this again in the future, because inevitably you will go through anxiety trials again, remember you will come back. The stress will pass and you will come back stronger than ever like you did this time. To God be the glory!"

Now back to doing homework out on the porch with my dog laying beside me and my husband working in the yard… good times are here again :)

Oh, and I'll be posting outdoor/garden/patio pics soon enough. Yay for spring!

Halloween Party

Every year three of my friends and I (and our husbands) all pick a holiday to host a party. The four we choose from are Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentine's and this year we ended up with Halloween. It started as a problem as I had no halloween decorations to start with, but my imagination and the internet soon helped with that (namely Martha Stewart...). Here's a few pics from the party for your enjoyment.

The table centerpiece was a vase of flowers and a crow covered in cobwebs made from strings of hot glue. It's hard to see the cobwebs in the picture though. The candles on either side of the vase had red wax dripping down them to look like blood. Yeah, that was a little spooky... but effective :D

Nothing's more inviting than a coffin shaped napkin and a tombstone with your name on it:

The menu consisted of green grog (lemon lime punch with lime sherbert, and spiked if you wish), stale crackers with moldy dip (spinach dip), worms in sauce (spaghetti), spiky beans with nail clippings (green beans with slivered almonds), stale black bread (dark colored honey wheat bread), and spooky silhouettes (gingerbread cutouts in halloween shapes).

We had all the lights out and curtains closed with candles lit everywhere. bwahahahaaaaa

Actually, the lights had to be on for pictures, so you can't really tell...

Here you see the "spooky silhouettes"...

... and the green grog. Notice the mouse silhouette on the right side- they were all over the kitchen. Remi was not amused.

OK, don't make fun. Here's Mark and I in our costumes. He was a werewolf and I was a Native American. I claimed that together we were "Dances with Wolves" but neither Mark (nor others) bought it.

Jonathan was a surgeon and Graydon and Heather were Jellyfish. Katie was a spelling bee and Dawn was Mrs. Christmas. Unfortunately Seth and baby Owen couldn't join us, they were out of town. 

So all in all a good party. We ate, drank, and were merry. We also watched the 'Burbs, which turned out to be somewhat funny and spooky enough. I'm thankful to have such great friends!

Hope you have a Happy Halloween!!

Fall

Well it's officially fall- I know this not because the solstice has passed, nor because Old Time Pottery has Christmas decorations out, but because Columbia is no longer 98 F. Celebration is in order!

I love fall. I can walk to class sweat-free, drink hot drinks while wearing scarves, and light some cozy candles while I study. More importantly, it's time for baking, crocheting, decorating for the holidays, and celebrating our October anniversary.

Mark finds an apple

Mark and I went apple picking for our 3 year anniversary (see previous post...). It was packed! This was the first year we went on time, so it was fairly crowded and there were apples left on the trees.

The next day I went ahead and made apple pie. Mark really likes apple pie, I like it only a little. But every year at this time I manage to make him one. This one was completely from scratch. My favorite part is the pie crust... I like doing the lattice top and brushing it with milk and sugar to make it shiny and brown when it's done. Sorry, I don't have a finished product picture (you can blame Mark).

filling the pie with fresh picked apples

lattice top

making the crust pretty

I finally broke down and bought "official" fall decorations. The past couple of years I've been using this fake leaf garland, trying to stretch it out as far as possible (i.e. break off leaves and scatter them in different places, not so appealing...). Now I have real decorations, even some for halloween and thanksgiving! I get a excited about these things:

fall flowers,pumpkins, leaves

my first Thanksgiving decoration

all is complete with a cider candle

Happy October! 

3 lovely years

It's our anniversary today.

Every October 5th, among other days, I get to reflect on our satin brown, pale pink, and dark rose colored wedding (did you notice the blog color scheme?) It involved lots of woodland-fairy like greenery, twinkling lights, and japanese lanterns hanging in the Wyche Pavillion downtown Greenville. I loved our wedding: the flowers with the quirky spiral stems poking out, the chocolate covered cake with deep colored raspberries on each tier, the stephanotis flowers in my bouquet and Mark's boutonniere... But my favorite memory of all is standing at the altar with my best friend, Mark, who I can no longer imagine living without... ::sigh:: ... I think I'm in love.

Isn't he handsome???
It's been a very happy three years with my hubby.

Happy Anniversary, Mark

MuteMath: no not the school subject, the band

Ok, so I must indulge myself in talking about my favorite band: MuteMath. Ever heard of them? They're awesome.

I first listened to their music about 5 years ago and fell in love (with the music, come on, I'm married now). Did it stop there? No, because I then went to a concert of theirs in Charlotte with Mark and our two awesome friends Heather and Graydon, and may I just say: I've never heard of a band that could sound even better live than recorded until MuteMath.

One of my favorite songs by them is Chaos, that is until their new record, Armistice, came out. I can't pick one from that record because it surpasses any measurement system I had in tact for music prior to listening to it. Ok, so I'm getting a little carried away, I do that sometimes... but it's a good record.

Are you ready for the big news? They're touring again with their new album and they're coming back to the good 'ole south! Yes, that's right, I get to see them play once more. The drummer, Darren King, has to duck tape his headset to his head so it doesn't fall off when he plays. If you listen to the music, you'll understand why. The band also features a keytar (courtesy of Paul Meany, above), synthesizer, and some other terms I don't recognize, but you add all of those things together and you get, you guessed it:

MuteMath.

School is now in session.

Now, I know, I'm a little old for going back to school and may not even be able to retain any of the information because my brain has aged so much, but nevertheless I persevere into the dark valley of college world. Ok, maybe I'm only like 2 years older than the "normal" age of grad students, but still, having a husband, home, doggie, and real job makes me feel just a smidge on the matronly/old person side of things (not to mention my heartburn). I don't consider tshirts flattering anymore, i don't sport any greek letters, and I don't have a dark tan, hair piled on top of my head and huge sunglasses to go with it (ok, i might have 2 of those 3... i can't hold a tan for anything...) I suppose I just feel a little out of my element these days.

On the silver lining side of things: I really love my classes. It definitely satisfies the nerdiness in me and I get to learn Japanese on the side! (some of you are reconsidering being my friend at the moment...) I've also met some really nice people too. Classes seem relatively doable, in terms of I might not have to work myself to death to keep up with home, work, school, and work at school. God knows what he's doing and he continues to prove that to me over and over again.

Well I'm off to go iron my plaid school-girl skirt and pack my hannah montana lunchbox so I can catch the bus to Columbia. I will leave you now with a picture of Remi that Mark took with his new fancy smancy camera.

Ribbons, and Ruffles and Bows: Oh My!

So after spending too much time on a design site, polyvore.com (as I procrastinate cleaning the house)... I've come up with a couple of design schemes, one for a room, one for an outfit. Turns out I like bright colors, black and white contrast, and modern shapes. I kinda new that from my paintings though. Here's what I call the Mad Hatter Den:

I really like the clock, pottery, and pendant lights. My favorite part is adding things that look like they're from another world, slightly surreal, like the legs on the lime green chest and the clock hanging on a branch.

For my next mixture, I came up with four outfits shown below:

It looks like a jumbled mess of color all at once, but each outfit is its own artwork. You'll notice a lot of flowers, ruffles, bows, and what not- so i'm a little girly?... humph. Excuse me while I go fix my make-up...