After Christmas, I hit a rough patch. I had my thesis proposal looming ahead of me (just this past April 1st), and was terrified. I've never done a project that big, nor written that much... and I hate... HATE writing (except blogs of course). My proposal involved me giving a presentation at a colloquium in front of 30+ people or so. People I knew, people I didn't know, linguistics grad students, computer science grad students, professors, my advisors, and random people who saw a flyer and decided to come. It was a public colloquium and counted as part of my thesis proposal/defense. I had to program a game (of which I'm doing my thesis on) up to a point where it was presentable enough to show in public, and let others play. I had to develop a powerpoint and a speech that would take up about 40 minutes, longer than I've ever spoken in front of a crowd. Maybe to some people, that's a breeze, but for me it was lots of pressure. Lots of pressure, I tell you!
So beginning in January, this sent me into an anxiety battle. Anyone who knows me knows I deal with anxiety. And this was just another one of those times. Panic attacks, general day to day anxiety, trouble eating, etc. However, this time I faced up to it, sought extra help, was proactive, and I like to think victorious. So.. self.. here is my letter to you next time you face this (and anyone else out there who faces similar situations...)
"After several months of intense stress and inevitably intense anxiety, I am finally coming back to normal. While I could do nothing but cope with the anxiety during the past several months, I now realize what I had only hoped for in the past. I’m back. After the stress passes, I feel better. I was nervous I would stay this way, that somehow the stress affected me for good and there was no going back. But there’s always going back. I’m back again now. Just like I’ve come back before. And this time, I faced it head on. I looked at it in the face, dealt with it, didn’t run away from it or cower down in the presence of it. I worshipped in the really rough times, and getting my mind of myself for those few sweet moments were the happiest times of all. I dealt with it and now I have sweet relief from it. Classes are almost over, the scariest part of my thesis behind me, my crazy schedule of living in two places will be behind me in about three weeks. Now all I see is a settled life ahead with Mark, Remi, and who knows how many little ones to come in the future. Daily routines and traditions that will keep me grounded, working normal hours again, free time with the family, and always- always- worship to keep my mind and heart in the right place. God you truly use these times for your glory- and in spite of how it feels during the toughest times, I thank you for my experiences. So [insert your name here], when you read this again in the future, because inevitably you will go through anxiety trials again, remember you will come back. The stress will pass and you will come back stronger than ever like you did this time. To God be the glory!"
Now back to doing homework out on the porch with my dog laying beside me and my husband working in the yard… good times are here again :)
Oh, and I'll be posting outdoor/garden/patio pics soon enough. Yay for spring!
